Taking Time: One on One

The only real way to build a relationship or to strengthen a relationship that has been strained is on a one-to-one basis—to go to that person to make reconciliation, to talk the matter over, to apologize, to forgive, or to do whatever it might take.

Over and over again I find with my own six children this lesson being taught: When I take a child aside from the others, go where there is some privacy, and give full attention—be completely present—I am amazed how effective my teaching, discipline, or communication can be.

But when, out of a sense of time pressure and practical necessity, I attempt to teach, discipline, or correct when others are present, how ineffective I usually am. Why is this so?

Because a one-to-one personal relationship is highly respecting and affirming of the worth of the other, whereas a social situation is charged with many other emotional variables and factors that play upon people's hearts and responses.

In social situations people often learn to play roles. They are fearful of being too open and vulnerable, afraid they might get hurt. They have been hurt before, and they have learned to defend themselves, to cover up.

Their responses are more contrived and artificial than they are sincere and natural. Pride strongly enters in. But this is not the case in a personal, one-to-one situation, particularly where time is taken to build rapport, either before or during the discussion of the problem at hand.

One Saturday morning I was sitting quietly in my office, preparing for a meeting, when my wife called in a rather desperate voice. I asked her what was wrong.

She said, "Just listen and you'll know."

She lifted up the phone, and I could hear screaming babies, quarreling children, and television cartoons. What a nightmare!

She asked, "Stephen, can't you come home and help me? Here it is 9:00, and I've got an appointment downtown at 9:30 and I'm not even dressed yet. This place is bedlam."

I answered that I was preparing for a meeting and simply couldn't come home and help. Then I proceeded to give some advice. (It is always easy to sit in a cool, quiet place and give advice to those who are out in the dust and sweat of the arena.)

I first asked her to get our oldest daughter, Cynthia, to take over, because she is very conscientious and responsible when she makes up her mind to be.

My wife's response was "She won't cooperate at all. She hasn't done a stitch of work, and I can't get her to help at all."

I knew immediately what the problem was. Cynthia had not made up her mind—probably had her own reasons.

Probably one of those reasons was that my wife had not taken the time to listen to Cynthia or to meet a special need or problem that Cynthia had.

So I said, "Sandra, take Cynthia into the study for no more than one or two minutes and listen to her. Find out what's bothering her, and I assure you that will solve your problem."

"I don't have time to do that. I've just got to get going."

Then I said something that has come to be meaningful to us both.

"Too busy sawing to take time to sharpen the saw?"

She immediately sensed what I was saying and said, "Okay, I'll try," and hung up.

Later she reported what had happened. She left the bedlam and took Cynthia into the quiet of the study.

She said, "Honey, I'm sorry I haven't paid any attention to you this morning. What's bothering you?"

Cynthia answered that she felt her mother had not been fair in granting a particular privilege that one of the other children had had the day before and that when she had tried to talk to her about it, she at first had been ignored and then later had been treated as an interruption.

Almost as soon as the problem was out on the table, as soon as Cynthia was sure that her mother understood, inwardly she was assured that something fair would be worked out at a later time.

She then said to her mother, "Go on, Mommy, change your clothes. I'll take care of the kids."

I am convinced that many of our children know what they should do, but their minds are not made up to do it.

People don't act on what they know. They act on how they feel about what they know and about themselves. If they can come to feel good about themselves and about the relationship, they are encouraged to act on what they know.

Admittedly it takes some time and patience to "sharpen the saw," but I am convinced that in the long run—and sometimes in the short—it saves time and a lot of nerves.

The above is from:Spiritual Roots of Human Relations by Stephan R. Covey

I was guilty of this yesterday.

We had a surprise Birthday party for Matthew and the house was full of people.

During the course of a conversation with one person, I was asked a question or what my opinion was concerning a matter that involved another person present.

I should have deferred the question and not responded, but in the moment, supposedly, with good-hearted teasing…I answered the question.

The individual got up and left the room. There is no such thing as good-hearted teasing. Nor is it respectful to speak of people or their situations when they are present. Nor should we criticize, correct, or lecture another in public.

Fito, my husband, is always reminding me to take the children aside to correct them. To not do it in front of others.

However, I must add that children are very manipulative, and will use a public setting (the grocery store) to get what they want, knowing the parent does not want to make a scene.

Therefore, when circumstances warrant it: the parent, manager, or leader must have the courage to stand up to the offense or offender.