An empty pitcher cannot pour water.

First of all, we must be filling up our own pitcher. We do this by taking care of ourselves, but not in a selfish way: time pondering, exercise, making ourselves healthy and beautiful, time to learn, and so forth.

Secondly, we work on our marriage and yes, marriage comes before the children (in a healthy, unselfish way). Why?

Because NOT taking care of one’s marriage will lead to no marriage, and we all know the statistics of single or divorced homes- the children are lost.

I see this all the time as I work with those struggling through life.

We need to have strong marriages to protect, guard, teach, model, and raise our children.

Now as we come close to the special day each year when we think about our loved ones and how we can show them an expression of love, I want to show some of the things my husband and I have done to improve our relationship to become closer to each other, and to have a unified front- in front of the children.

One of the things that I have done through the 29 year of our marriage is to write notes/cards/letters.

Of course, being a writer, I love the written word. But more than that-it is powerful.

And when it is written down, the individual can keep those words and messages and reread them again and again.

I have cleaned many of children’s rooms through the years and have observed that they keep the notes and cards that I have given them.

It is my hope that at those times when they feel depressed, ugly, unwanted, unappreciated, and so on, that they can read one of those notes and that they can remember just how much I love them.

That they can be reminded of their talents, their greatness, their potential.

I believe, too, that our spouses are the same as our children. That they, too, need words and messages that are uplifting, encouraging, and full of gratitude for all the many small and great acts that they have done for us.

I have a drawer in my office and it has cards in it. It is fun! I read them, treasure them. Cards, loving cards, thank you cards, thoughtful cards.

Sometimes I don’t use a card, I just write a letter, a poem.

Sometimes I make a homemade card- maybe silly, princessy, a robot loving, whatever is needed.

When there has been a misunderstanding, conflict, or contention, it is hard to come together again in unity.

A letter giving reasons to rejoice- feelings of gratitude- why I love that child/spouse. Why they are important to the family. Why I am glad they came to our family.I try to share the potential I see in them and the confidence I have in their abilities.

Positive loving words done in sincerity are:

extremely healing,

profoundly uniting,

and

powerful reminders.

Letters also allow the author to take the time to clear up any misunderstandings. Sometimes when we are talking to each other and things get tense it becomes almost impossible to go back and clear up what was said.

However, when we take the time to write our thoughts and feelings down in a letter it allows us to phase things in such a way to dissolve the misunderstanding or to clarify what we really meant.

Too, when you are really angry or frustrated, write down all those feelings and thoughts.

Wait 24-48 hours then read it again.Usually, you will find that your anger was justified (sometimes not) but that in the past 2 days it somehow just doesn’t seem as pertinent or as stressful as it did in that moment.

I then tear up that letter, throw it away, and at the same time throw away those poisonous thoughts.I mentioned earlier that I sometimes make hand-made notes.

One fun thing to do that quickly brings a joy and unity to the home is to include the children in the note writing/complimenting/looking for the good in each other.

Below is a list of some of the things we have done that help family members show love to each other and bring unity:

1). Take pink, red, and white paper and make simple Valentines. Then have the children (one by one if you want to do it secretly) write positive notes to each sibling and parent.

Then go around the house and hide the notes in places where that particular individual can find the notes at random times: in a shoe, in a drawer, a pocket, on a pillow, by a clock, etc.

2). A fun addition to this is to put a trail of candy on the floor leading to the note.

We also at times have written fun little poems or riddles that lead from one hiding place to another. At the end of the “Treasure Hunt” is a treat for the family.

3). You can also tuck small appreciative or romantic notes into a husband’s/child’s lunch, binder, shoe, drawer, i-pad, shirt pocket, and so on.

4). Another thing we do is secret pals. At a family council, have each member choose a name from a bowl! Then help each child do special things for their “secret pal”.

This comes more naturally to some children than to others.

Some don’t need mom’s help at all; others need lots of prodding.

5). I write poems... (and getting ready to put them on my website).

Sometimes we write a poem together or we try to write a song (even more fun). Poems are such a wonderful way to express your love for your spouse.

Some of my poems were romantic, others were about everyday things, some were just about simple small things such as my husband playing “Piggies” on the babies feet and how much love I felt for him when I saw him play with the children.

I still feel those same stirrings of love as I watch him hold and play with our grandchildren.

BUT- what will happen to our message if I never tell him about those feelings; or even worse- if I don’t notice or appreciate all that he does. This is especially important when a child or a spouse disappoints us or has problems.

This is when we must look even harder to see the good in them, acknowledge it and EXPRESS GRATITUDE, SERVE THEM and continue to WORK HARD to build a family of love, respect, and commitment.

As we do and create small acts of love, mercy, and service we build harmony and bind each person together- as a couple and as a family.

May each of us be blessed to know how to best minister to our family, to find small ways to show love, and to bring joy to our home.

(These same principles work in the workplace, but in a more professional manner).